Dressaging at home

 Not the best ride. sigh.. not in the best head space but... still... definitely worse ride than recently.

started at walk on buckle. played with seat aids... shoulder in, haunches in... very responsive. giggled that she is gifted... she understands weight/seat aids before rein aids. but... still does not get rein aids. worked on less is more to go up to trot and ... okay. but not as fired up and energetic. but then combative again. super fussy. not sure if it's me being less soft overall because... it's in my brain that I need contact... or it's just her... she definitely does not want me sitting to the right.... started to threaten to stop and prop and pop again. argh.... it's so hard... why is she so hard? 

got a lovely canter... but the trot is just back to her bracing with the base of her neck and fighting or almost curling. had a few good moments... but only a few. finished on some of the most consistent good moments. then got greedy and tried to play in the field, thinking maybe I could be softer.... and she was falling in and running out trying to get back to dan and lyric... but finally got two nice proper circles so quit. again. shame on me. 

so frustrated... need to pivo my ride or get video and figure out... if I'm going too far one way or the other.. or both. Like... is she soft and pleasant with a super soft contact because she's not actually through and just faking me out..... and then when I do ask for contact she gets locked in the base of her neck, braces and gets mad? OR.... is she just that sensitive and I need to be soft and elastic and stretchy and allow her to go around on the softest of reins (which I prefer) and have her not be braced. Is she truly through and "on the bit" or does it even matter? Am I going to regret not having this "battle" with her now??? If "She doesn't accept contact you can't do anything with her".... is that really true? Is that really what my issue is? Is it worth that battle now? Why does it have to be a battle though? 

ugh....